Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
