I'm really into asian looking animals
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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