im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
