I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize