I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
