I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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