I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
