I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize