nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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