Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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