I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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