It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
