mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
