he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
