it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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