I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
ttyl tear gas
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
