my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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