no, he came in my armpit
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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