I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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