my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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