So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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