i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
