shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
