so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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