i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize