I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
