Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
