If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
