When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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