just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You took a bar mat shot.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
