Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
