Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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