Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
