Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
