I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We are two peas in an std pod
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
