I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize