No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
