Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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