My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
