Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
