guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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