2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
