We won't sleep together?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize