The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
