I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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