I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
