I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
