STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
