im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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