I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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