were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she looked like the before picture.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
