I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
