I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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