barbara walters just said penis...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
