i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
