I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
