if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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